Today was the last time I'll see Dianne for a fortnight.
The cancellation of next Wednesday's counselling session couldn't have came at a worse time.
That means I have to go from today until the 13th of May without talking with her.
That means I have to keep in two weeks worth of shite, as apposed to the usual one.

And what happened today AFTER I'd been to talk with her, that couldn't have came at a worse time either.

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I was sat in the counselling room with Dianne - telling her about my issues with my creativity, my issues with failing and my issues with self harm.
I'm not just cutting myself now - I'm starting to burn myself, hit my head on walls, bite myself and purposely triggering my asthma.

The fire alarm went off during our session, so we wasted about 10 fucking minutes stood in the car park.

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Ash was nowhere to be seen - even after we'd waited around for her for ages - so we went into town without her.
I bought sausage rolls instead of a sandwich and we sat on the black slabs to eat them.

I walked back to college holding hands with Shelly.
I've never really held hands with someone - but I really like it.
I even hold Ash's hand sometimes when we're just sat together.
I like affection, and I like to give it to my friends - people who I like. I'm glad I've made two friends who don't mind that.

We found Ash upstairs in the art rooms.
She's doing extra work to finish off her A2 certificate on Wednesdays now.

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We sat downstairs in the alcove near the vending depot.
Lewis came and sat with us for a while, waiting for his C block lesson.

Ashleigh wasn't appearing - so I went to find her.
I found her on the tables - texting.
Obviously texting us to see where we were.

So I did my Monday trick, snuck up behind her, grabbed her shoulders and yelled: "TEXTING YOUR MATES ASHLEIGH?! GOT NO FRIENDS TO SIT WITH?!" - proper loud.

Then I took her by the arm and literally dragged her from those tables to the alcove.
Not once did she touch her wheels - I did all the propelling work.
It was so fun.

Ash didn't even question the fact we suggested she eat from the refectory.
Then we told her we'd already been to town and couldn't be arsed going back.

This is a part I don't remember:
Shelly, Ash and Lewis all started to laugh at me for some reason - but I can't remember why that was.
I got angry, so I flicked Shelly's nose. I went to flick Ash's - but somehow, I didn't open my hand - so I punched her square in the nose.

It shocked her - she was silent for a few seconds, then she started to cry.
Naturally, the last time I upset Ash - I went home and carved her name into my arms - so I felt guilty and upset.
I cuddled her, apologising, trying to calm her down - but I constantly thought I was just making matters worse.

I couldn't cope with how shit I felt after a while though - I snapped the metal attatchment off the end of my pen, used the sharp point to cut myself a few times.

Ash said she forgave me - so I mopped her face with some tissue, squeezing her hand, telling her I loved her.
I don't understand how I was able to hurt someone I love as much as Ashleigh...

I couldn't sleep tonight - it was bothering me so much.