"Suche gut gebauten 18-30 jährigen zum schlachten...“ - Der Metzgermeister

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I don't know how the legendary mood I was in all day yesterday could have turned sour so fucking quickly.

I think I know ultimatley what the trigger to my depression was.

 

I was reading over my prospectus to Teesside University. This week in college is the Stepping Up week - thus, we're having endless talks about unversity, how to apply, how to write personal statements and all that shite.

The course I'm interested in is English Studies & Creative Writing.

To enrol on it, you need 220 UCAS points.

If I end up with three Cs for my three A2s - that will give me 260 points. But I'm still doubting I can even reach that... I don't want C grades - but that's the bare minimum I need. Although, like I said - I'm still doubting if I can even do that.

 

The other issue is of course -the course is Creative WRITING - the one thing I'm having great difficutly attempting.

I haven't got a clue how I managed to write the introduction to DATWBSVOH yesterday. What's weird is the fact I wrote it on paper... I usually struggle a lot to get things down on paper, as opposed to a word processor. If I do end up writing anything down on paper - it also tends to be of a shitty quality.

 

I'm still unsure if I like what I've written but...

 

My writing tends to have a few stages to it, and judging how I feel as I'm writing it and after I've finished, I can tell if I'm going to like it or not.

 

 

During the writing process:

 

1) I'll be writing rapidly, maybe even smiling as I do so.

2) I'll be writing at a moderate speed, getting a rare sentence or paragraph block.

3) I'll be writing slowly, getting frequent blocks.

4) I'll be writing incredibly slowly, struggling to conjure up basic words and phrases.

5) I won't get anything written at all. I may write one or two sentences, but promptly delete them.

 

After it's complete:

 

1) I'll shrug, not finding many or any faults with it, but unsure if I like it or not.

2) I may find one or two faults, but I won't feel any dislike for it yet.

3) I'll read it over and truly not have a clue how to judge it because it's equal either way.

4) I'll hate every word of it, refuse to read it again and get upset with myself.

5) I'll delete it before it's even fully finished becuase I hate it THAT much.

 

DATWBSVOH's introduction ranked #1 for during writing and #2 for after completion.

 

I'm wanting to know - was it a fluke, or will I be able to continue?

If it's not a fluke and I manage to write something else pretty soon, I'm going to see if I can continue with some old work. I'm thinking of maybe putting some fan fiction on hold, continuing ahead with my original fiction.

 

It isn't fair - the best thing I've ever written WAS fan fiction.

Goddammned TFATH.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Either way - I started getting really depressed after thinking things over.

I haven't done what I did for a few months.

 

I'd even told Dianne that I thought I'd totally stopped.

It seems not.

 

Now I feel like I've let her down.

I'm also afraid of telling Shelly about it. I'd have told her this morning, but she had an exam to worry about - I didn't want to ruin her concentration and motivation streak by making her worry about me.

 

I washed my jacket last night, so I've had to wear my striped jumper to college.

It's so warm here in the LRC, but I can't even roll my sleeves up...

 

I tried out the new carving technique I used a while ago and really liked.

First, I'll carve out my word/phrase/intials - then I'll use a small piece of metal to run red food colouring or red ink through the cuts. This stains the skin underneath and makes them stay for longer.

I'll then cut over them again once the ink has dried.

 

I used food colouring - it works well, but it has a tendancy to stain any non-cut skin a weird orange colour.

 

Last night's carving was: "FAILURE" - something I've felt like cutting into myself for quite a while.

 

I have to stain them because I just don't seem to hurt myself as badly as I used to. My old cuts would stay for weeks, possibly months. My newer ones only seem to stay for about a fortnight.

It just doesn't give me the same release any more. I still bleed as much as I used to - but they're nowhere near as deep. I add to the blood effect (which is what I really like to see) with the ink... 

 

 

I'm really worried about what Shelly's reaction is going to be though...

Ashleigh too - but by the time I see her, they may have healed over a bit...