"Suche gut gebauten 18-30 jährigen zum schlachten...“ - Der Metzgermeister

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This depression lapse is really starting to piss me off.
Whatever I feel though, it's doubled, perhaps even tripled when I'm at college. Because when I'm at home, I don't stand the risk of being bullied or being judged - even the comments mam makes aren't as bad as the ones I'd get at college. Yes, my mam does have the power to make me want to instantly want to cut myself, but when I'm at college - I don't have my chance to slink off and do so. Even if I do carry around my staple remover or a blade with me, it's only a comfort - it's never really safe to use it in college. It's there for emergencies though, if I ever do need it that badly.

Media Studies kicked off the day by depressing me. Mondays are coursework "planning" and "researching" lessons. I've already researched my chosen topic. I know so much about Rammstein, having been a die-hard fan for 5 years and completing 3 educational projects on them beforehand. I've already planned my production. 3/4 of the script is written and all the location, camera and costume notes are saved. I still haven't discussed it fully with Ash... I am really scared of her response. I never like to share ideas with Ash. Even if she doesn't reject them - I always think she's resenting her agreement, either that or she's biting her tongue. Fair enough, Ash is virtually perfect - in every area that I'm not, anyway...

In my break, I ate a bag of cheddar and onion McCoys, a sausage bun and drank 3/4 of a bottle of water. I'd forgotten to bring my bottle out of the fridge, so I ended up buying them. Finally though, water is economically priced in college. Bottled water should be no more than 50p.

English was cancelled - and we were supposed to find slagface Sue to give us our work - but we couldn't find her. So after hanging about for a pointless 20 minutes and resenting talking to the rest of the arseholes who were waiting with me - except Sefeena of course, she's sound - I went back downstairs. I couldn't be arsed going in the LRC, so I ended up listening to Lisa and playing the odd few games of Solitaire.

I'd wanted to do something today, but I didn't end up doing it.
I wanted to write a letter, sort of - basically a confessional letter adressed to mainly Shelly, but would have areas relevent to maybe Ash and Adam. Basically outlining how I feel right now.
This depression lapse is the worst one I've had yet - but what's pissing me off the most is the fact I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAUSED IT...

When Shelly came, we weren't excactly close. She was holding my hand and trying to console me, but I refused to kiss her or cuddle up to her. She thought it was because it was her - but it wasn't. I wasn't in the mood to show affection full stop. I didn't care that we were in college - I'm starting to get over my sexuality. Well, I was never uncomfortable with it anyway. I wouldn't care if I groped Shelly's boobs and snogged her face off infront of a crowd of 50,000 - I just can't understand why people use the word "lesbian" as an insult.
I can understand them calling me "fat" as an insult, because being fat isn't exactly a good thing. It's a danger to your health - but being a lesbian isn't.

I ended up shouting at her in Photography because she fucked me off. She did her usual trick of treating me like I'm stupid. Reality check for her - I have three A* grades, she doesn't have any.
And what annoyed me the most was that it was over the most trivial of things - she didn't think I knew that the fact I was mashing the F5 button caused the page to reset.
WELL FUCKING NOR. I'D REALLY SIT THERE AND MASH A RANDOM BUTTON HOPING SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN.

So she went to the other side of the room. Didn't bother me none, I had Lisa.
Paul came over - but I was deliberatley rude to him. When he started talking about my ideas, my responses were the usual, but my tone said differently.
I hate getting ideas now. The problem is - they're all fucking mint - but they're all going to be either wasted, or not used to their full potential - and the results will turn out shit.

I bought a new sketchbook - fucking beasty A3 one - and that was a cunt to carry back to the bus station.
I did about 3/4 of the first page - writing an epic introductory wankery paragraph.
(I seem to do a lot of things 3/4 today.)

Although now I'm home, I still feel depressed - but nowhere near as bad as I was all day.
The bruise from Tuesday has proper come up. It's huge. It's like 5 inches wide - and it's bright yellow. Mam made the comment: "well you have big calves, so it must be a big bruise" - well nor, I'd look a bit stupid being a size 18, 13-14 stone and having SMALL CALVES to compare to a rounded body. Stupid cow.