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Dixie currently feels:
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Blog #31
Banana Blowjobs!
Ah, Dixie has been looking forward to today for a while now.
So, she awakens at half 8!
She showers, she cleans, she hoovers. She heads off to ASDA and purchases Pepsi, crisps, bananas and a boquet of flowers.
It be Valentine's Day, so she does not look out of place with such an item.
Though she purchased them from the normal flowers rather than the Valentine's bouquets.
Paying £6.50 for her five items - she returns the iPod headphones to her ears and walks back home, bouncing up the kerbs and diving off them on the other side.
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And this is where the divider is and the third person stops. 
I took my Wii downstairs - set up the World Tour stage - both guitars, drums and the mic.
I set off on an epic 6-song lead guitar Expert gig - only to have Ashleigh turn up halfway through it.
This was fine of course - I do believe it was the luck she provided by turning up in a pink shirt, neon pink trousers and a cowboy hat that enabled me to reach my 5th lead guitar World Tour Expert 100%.
What's My Age Again - 100%, lead guitar, Expert.
A very nice addition to my community scores.
I was so pleased, I threw my guitar on the floor and sort of roared at it.
Ash was amused.
Shelly appeared shortly after - not bearing anything pink asides from her Playstion 2.
And she'd brought along her two guitars.
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For the next hour or so we sat around playing World Tour and eating the crisps I'd got.
They were on offer - the Walkers 'do us a flavour' winners - the ones you vote for on the website.
I got the Crispy Duck and the Builder's Breakfast flavours.
I've had the Crispy Duck ones before - they're lush. The others taste like really peppery smokey bacon flavour. Ash didn't like them, so I ended up finishing her bag whilst she nommed the duck packet instead.
We'd agreed to film some scenes for the trailer - OH THERE'S NOT MANY LEFT TO GO NOW... - so we had to head up on to Eston before we lost the light.
We looked so fucking weird - here's me: shirt and tie, black trousers, Converse, immensley customised blazer.
Here's Ash: full suit, jacket, trousers and black tie, holding the walking stick and the boquet of flowers on her lap.
Here's Shelly: Pretty normal, jeans, cardigan - walking alongside us.
We only actually got weird looks from the wankers on the 64 and 64A buses going past us.
Honestly, one of them - every single fucking person on the bus was staring at us - it was so bloody creepy.
We were going to Eston cemetery to film a section of our trailer.
Jonathan is a lonely widower - so our trailer opens with a clip of him laying flowers on his wife's grave.
We actually didn't know the person who's grave it was but... The location was pretty good - secluded, beside a really buckled-over tree that you have to duck to walk under.
The clip itself looks pretty mint though - it's one we're all really pleased with.
It's good we did it in one go too - you can't really take flowers back from a grave.
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Since we were in Eston, we went over to my nana's bungalow.
She wanted to meet Shelly and Ash before they came to stay with me during March.
I basically just sat there and drank about ten pints of blackcurrant juice whilst Shelly sat in silence and Ash had a rant on about her car to my nana.
We walked home another way - over the rec field.
WORST FUCKING IDEA EVER.
It's snowed recently, but most of it's melted now. The rec field has paths - but they dip - they make really deep trenches that fill with water and mud after rain/snow/ice.
I couldn't push Ash over the actual field - as wheelchair and grass just doesn't work.
So we ended up walking through this big fuck off semi-frozen mud puddle. It was alright for Ash - Shelly and I couldn't fucking feel our feet afterwards.
The water was up to our shins and my socks were full of mud by the time we got to the other side of it.
Still, it was pretty funny - especially when I got Ash's wheels caught in a fucking pothole. The whole reverse-back-turn-around-and-walk-on-the-other-side keruffle.
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Upon returning home we filmed another scene out in the garden - another chance to cover Ash in fake blood.
I think she's getting pretty sick of it now.
This was a re-do of a scene we did before - having to be re-done due to the issue of having BIG FUCK OFF PURPLE SLIPPERS in the background.
Pmsl, not the perfect fucking ambience for a slasher horror film like.
We then retreated inside - set up Shelly's beloved pink PS2 and thrashed away some Guitar Hero 2.
Guitar Hero 2 is my favourite in the series - and we unlock bass guitars for Shelly by doing the co-op mode.
It's annoying though - due to the dodgy hammer-on/pull-off system, there's some songs I just CAN'T do on Expert. Guitar Hero 2 reduces me to Hard; and as I continually say:
"BUT HARD IS FOR PUSSIES..."
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We ordered a meal deal from Riverside Pizza - pizza, parmo, garlic bread, donner meat and chips.
Roxxorz - we shared this out; I even gave Ash some of the parmo - and I no like sharing parmo.
She didn't like it much anyway - it's too greasy for her tastes.
Nice one, so I hogged a half parmo to myself.
The garlic bread proper tasted of cardboard too - so I had a bit of that. 
(Yes, I am partial to a bit of cardboard. )
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Ah ha ha ha!
Then came half 8 - the time of night I had been looking forward to ALL day, ALL week, even.
Time for Dixie's dare card game!
We'd made a few new ones prior to this, shuffled them up then we assembled downstairs to let it all begin.
Oh, the anarchy that ensued was just fucking amazing. 
We start off with Ashleigh drinking tomato sauce from the bottle, Dixie imitating a chicken - incredibly badly - and Shelly screaming "I LOVE TO WEAR PINK LEATHER" after everything she said.
We had our fair share of blindfolding with parcel tape - Ash leading me to the bathroom, spinning me round every five seconds so I was blundering about all over the sodding place.
Then came the group challenge cards - MY WORD.
And Shelly only went and drew the card that said we all had to go without our shirts for five turns.
Oddly, I wasn't embarrassed. I think I would have been if I were the only one.
So there we all were - competing with each other to see who could drink a glass of water the fastest - only in our trousers and our bras.
(I also had to wear my wet socks from the previous escapades during this - and it's not easy to hold a glass with socks on your hands!)
Even so, Ash finished first, I finished second - Shelly lost, so Ash drenched her with what was left in her glass.
Returning back - we blindfolded Ash again with the parcel tape before mixing up a glassful of cinnamon, basil and tap water.
She claimed it tasted of fireworks. Lmfao, she's tasted fireworks?
Not long after - she drew the card where the other players mixed up a random food for her to eat.
Being an evil cow like I am - I took a slice of the garlic bread, a piece of cheese, chocolate mousse and tomato sauce. Ash hated it - her face was just beyond priceless.
The random eating challenges continued - Shelly ate a spoonful of butter - and almost threw up on me afterwards. This was followed not long after by a mouthful of paper.
Ash was the one who chose the card to eat a leaf - and she had it stuck in her teeth for the rest of the game.
I seemed to draw the acting cards the most - the hopping around like a rabbit, bounding around the room yelling "I'm a pretty pony", the animal impersonations and the 'shout a swearword of your choice as loud as you can'.
...BOLLOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard the most manical laugh from Ash when Shelly drew the challenge card: 'Through The Fire & Flames on Expert practice - hit more than 55%, or you'll be drenched'.
I can hit 72%, so that wouldn't be hard for me. We actually dropped it to Hard, but she still failed with 49%.
So Ash tipped the rest of the mineral water over her.
This was prior to me dropping ice cubes down her jeans and Ash rubbing Pritt Stick all over her tongue.
Ash truly did get the worst cards though.
Hilarious for me - but they didn't seem it for her.
One card involved us pinning her to the floor and torturing her for 2 minutes in total darkness.
Tickle torture mainly - but then I started licking her face and sticking a wet finger in her ears.
Another - she shoved her socks in her mouth and sang the national anthem.
(I actually have this one on video. )
Unlucky Ash also drew the 'Allow another player to spit into your mouth' card.
Of course, I took the role of 'another player' - I really spat a load into her mouth too.
The best cards truly were around 3/4 of the way in.
I chose card #14 - my personal favourite.
I had to peel a banana half way, insert it into my jeans through the fly - and ask either Ash or Shelly to give me a banana blowjob.
We tossed a coin, and the unlucky one got it again - so Ash got on her knees - and she was blindfolded at the time - sucked on my banana.
I thrusted it into her mouth too - WHOOSH, PELVIC THRUST.
(Lmfao, was it wrong to be aroused by this? )
Though I had to do this too - only not as bad - another card went a similar way - only Ash had the banana in her hands. ...Still. Bananas are a bit strange to suck on.
The hilarity continued with Guitar Hero song charades, Shelly forcing Dixie to hold her head under the tap, toe-licking, belly-blarting, drinking milk from a bowl with no hands, hula-dancing, moonwalks, spanking (WHICH REALLY FUCKING HURT...), Shelly dragging Dixie upstairs and brushing her teeth for her and earwax eating.
I also managed to give Ashleigh THIRTY TWO wedgies in a row!
This was the act of tugging them, letting go... THEN TUGGING THEM AGAIN.
Thirty-two times.
Tee hee hee, she really cried out a few times.
I'm so sadistic. Mwah ha ha.
We have vowed to play this game again in the future.
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The night was finished with some midnight Resident Evil.
Going with an idea this time of SAVING THE GAME SOMETIMES - I didn't die.
(But if I had done, there wouldn't have been any faffing on with starting from the beginning.)
Ash really is jumpy - she jumped a foot in the air because I was SHOOTING A ZOMBIE.
I'd understand if it'd popped out or broke through a window, but no - I was SHOOTING IT.
I was in fits for the next five minutes.
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So to end this rather long blog, here's a few photos:
Our shoes after the puddle walking.
Two Guitar zeroes.
Ashleigh approves.
